the day the lottery I win I ain't ever gonna ride in no used car again

I'm still in limbo. Things aren't going forwards and they aren't going backwards, I'm really stuck.
I'm not building towards anything, I'm not looking forward to anything that'll get me places, because (I'll have to let you into a secret here), I'm not passion about anything. Anything or anyone.
I was walking around my village today and thinking all these kids fucking around, they're turning into their parents and everyone else around them. Everybody's jaded and they're working in jobs they hate, never leaving this fucking county let alone england. And I felt like I was different because I'm 100% positive I won't spend my life here. I felt like I was an exception because the people I know, the people I'm around are ambitious, you know? They do things that they're passionate about and they travel and they live. They're not working in some beat up café, glaring at everyone who comes by because they hate the whole fucking world.
Thing is, maybe I'm not different at all. Maybe I'll run away, I'll get away but I might never escape the actual things which are restricting me, the fact that I could never be excited about any kind of career, and quite simply, I'll always be me, that terrifies me. You think about the endless possibilities, but you don't think about the ones which result in you stuck in second gear, never ever getting anywhere, apathetic. I don't know, I'm not meant to care, I'm meant to care about now. But I don't feel like everybody else. The kind of thing that motivates me to move forward is finding a career, making money, travelling, being free to an extent. I don't fucking want to go to university, banking on the fact that I'll enjoy this stupid fucking course, with a load of people who just won't understand me. That sounds ridiculous but I can't be bothered to explain it properly. I hate clubs. I hate spirits. I hate the permanent photographic reminder of how shit I look 24/7. I hate sweaty, pervy boys.

As it goes, I'm not ready to run to some far away place just yet, and I'm not being left to fester by myself with no one, so I guess this senseless waste of money is the only option, if I'm that adamant?

Fuck it, don't read, I'm going to ramble now.
I think I'll live in a city. I like being by myself, I think I need to be by myself quite a lot, but the perfect situation for me would be as much alone-time as I need, kind of surrounded by people, if you know what I mean? In a city environment. That makes me feel safe. I find few things scarier than driving through some place and knowing there's probably no one around for miles, I feel uneasy and anxious and vulnerable. I think cities... don't get me wrong, I know they're crime ridden, polluted, loud, relentless... and they'll absolutely rape me of my naive nature... but I think they're the most beautiful places on earth. It's something about a city at night, the colours, the pace. It's perfect to me.
I did however, notice something contrary to this last night. I suppose I hit a low point. I don't have much to say about it, thank christ. I think in all honesty it's pretty hypocritical and fucked up for me to want to be alone like 70% of the time and then cry in my bedroom about no one giving a shit about me and having nothing which means anything. I figure, I'm probably at least a little hormonal, I'm allowed the 13 year-old drama queen moment.
So anyways whilst having a shivery smoke in my back garden I realised the silence can be alllmost beautiful. I think it's the kind of thing I'd miss. Silence for minutes solid, and then the most perfectly precise, sharp sound of a car growing closer and passing, fading into more quiet. To be fair, it's not exactly standard where I live, surrounded by council estates. But when it's there, it's pretty nice. Guess that reminded me some shit does stay the same. Some things won't change.

I've watched "Zane Lowe meet Paul McCartney, I'm going to get my popcorn, I'm going to watch Pulp Fiction. it's the first of the "must-see" films I've endeavoured to watch as my new years resolution, I'm pretty excited.
I can't believe I used to watch Kerrang, MTV is so fucking class.
OH, and tomorrow might just make my week. I'm going Topshop dress shopping for my Dad's wedding with the sister, meeting the Jon who will proceed to help me pick two new hamsters. I explained this to my mum, I was a shit owner to Marmaduke. I'm getting straight back on the horse. I'm going to love the shit out of these bad boys, and be the best hamster mother EVER. Oh, and one shall be called Bruce. No prizes for guessing the namesake. The song this title is from is a crier, trust me.