I cant use the telephone, to tell you that Im dead and gone, so you wont know

Pretty sombbrreee huh? I just love that song, even though its unbelieveably isolating.
Ive actually had a pretty great day. This combined with me returning home to 1) My ebay topshop purchase, 2) a card from my mother, which had me on the verge of tears and is one of the nicest things shes done for me ever, and 3) realising that I still have £35 wages so am not completely skint just yet, resulted in a really... just... positive, carefree mood. And they they dont come knocking on my door just anyday anymore. Howeverrr...
As per usual, something happened. I have learned today that one of my best people (I hate the term best friend, no idea why!) is almost certainly leaving our school. This sucks for a number of reasons. One of which is that Were already drifting apart during the summer cause we lead such separate lives (this is a running theme and constant threat / fear featuring in my life currently), and I didnt realise on the last day I saw her in school that it was probably the last... The thought of her not being around in the last year when weve made it through the last six and through all the shit that me, her and everyone else have been through, makes me kind of nauseious (I know thats the wrong spelling). I just realised how long winded this was, so Im not going to list the further gazillion reasons. It just sucks, really. Im not ready to lose anyone else. Not that Ive lost many people in the dramatically deep, or tragic literal definition, much.

Anyway, Im actually trying to put stuff out of my head and train myself not to think currently, cause I figure thats the easiest way to live, although perhaps Im becoming more avoidant as time goes on.
I end up filtering this all down into song lyrics, which Ive recently been slowly drowning in, trying desperately to become even a little more poetic and eloquent. I dont know why, Ill never be satisfieed with it anyway cause I guess I dont feel the same way about writing in words as I do about writing in notes. Its somewhat of an insatiable, addictive and obsessive infatuation.
But its quite alarming the number of pretty dark miserable lyrics I come out with, considering I dont feel like that much of the time anymore. Still thats gotta be better than burying it completely. The only thing Im completely honest with is paper =/
This is why I worry so much you see. I dont have X-ray vision, I cant see what the hecks going on inside peoples heads. And I know just how possible it is to get better at hiding things, better at pretending, instead of just getting better, period. I cant drag the truth out 0f the ones I love, so theres always that constant fear that maybe somebodies crying themselves to sleep at night and wearing a smile the next day.


If youre reading this by the way, I think you know who you are, Im constantly worrying about you, so dont think... Just know how much you mean to everyone you know, even though you probably will never know quite how much!
(I put that in there cause I know of one person that might actually read this, so if Im going to direct a line at someone... and also, yknow, shes like amazing!)


Im doing this purely from boredom and clearly waaay too frequently so Im'a try and cut back. I promised myself this would be a short'un. Meanwhile Ill focusing on the more pleasant things in life than guilt and pain and missing people far too much for my weedy heart to take.

You Are Freezing Over Hell

Today has truly been the weirdest day.
I really think the medication Im on is messing with my brain a bit, because today I have literally had the moodswings of a manic depressive. Its been horrible.
And right here, Im going to conform terribly strictly to the short-and-sweet blog style...
But the only point of this was... its just pretty weird how the tiniest little thing, coincidence, whatever, can feel like a fucking godsend, when its exactly what you need...
Ill probably be back later