My Tongues The Only Muscle On My Body That Works Harder Than My Heart

Im very much thinking of getting that as a tattoo...
This is another post as a result of boredom I think, so I guess I'll just describe my day in painfully intricate detail? Nah Ill spare you that, but its been a few consecutive damn gooduns.

Not to be using this as some kind of blogging refrain to which I shall continuously refer, but I am going on holiday tomorrow... Still slightly nervous for a melodramatic array of reasons and flawed reasoning... did that even make sense? No, no it didnt.

Saving Britney Spears? Jeez, the womans troubled, stop profitting of someone elses losses! Whatever happened to the good old fashioned sweep-the-insanity-under-the-carpet-and-pretend-crazies-dont-even-exist attitude eh?


Anyway, Ive been thinking about faith quite a lot lately, walking through a church yesterday I guess made me think a little harder. Dont you find certain places or people always evoke certain emotions or force you to dig a little deeper? Well me and religion arent doing very well at the moment, possibly because Im starting to lose sight of things and get caught up in the pointless little battles that everybody fights every day. But I think the way people cope with things like that makes them who they are and forces admiration on people like me. Who dont (cope), frankly.
Ive recently learnt that theres too many things, too many words which only escape my lips when Im ridden with guilt, fear and panic... maybe when I think thats what they want to hear. But it doesnt mean Im not speaking with conviction, that just seems to be the only time when it seems ok in my head.

Ive very much digressed from my original point, but I think I'll just go with it.
Basically the only times I can remember feeling completely defenceless and inhibition-less, and exposing myself- in the least physical way possible- is to one or two people when Ive been on the end of a phone, shaking hand, tear stained face. I wont divulge the circumstances, because I guess thats kind of cheap. But I worry that I only say the things I should every single day, when Im experiencing the most extreme of emotions.

Wow Im exhausted. And I havent packed yet. And Im leaving in... well, eleven hours, but ideally Id spend some of that sleeping. And now Im freaking about getting on a plane. Its going to be a lonnggg day.

Please please please let the next week go okay.


Oh by the way, if youve for some freak reason stumbled across this strange little journal, Im not constantly contemplating the meaning of life and overanalyzing every emotion which beats its way through my chest (just slightly more often than is healthy, debateably), I simply only blog when Ive got something on my mind, or I can think of something specific. Just to clear that up...

Whoever reads this, whether its no one, whether it were twenty people (distinctly unlikely seeing as I have given the address to one person, and if anyone else were to glance for whatever reason into this specific corner of the world wide web, they might be stunned beyond belief by its mundaneness- apparently this is actually a word) wow, what a ramble.
My original point; whoever reads this, I hope you have a great day... week... year... life! Whatever. Maybe boredom starts to turn you a little bit insane sometimes...

Now The Runway Lights Are Fading

I am bored.
Im in a pretty strange mood today as well... Yesterday it was overly optimistic until the evening, and now I just feel odd.
Its kind of weird how Im just drifting here until I can gage how other people are feeling, and judge my own mood. That Is Ridiculous... and pretty pathetic, lets be honest. I dont even know myself anymore because Im not anything, Im an unwilling collaboration of everything around me. I should probably stop that. And the whole, self obsession thing which really isnt helped by this egotistic introduction. Screw it, what are blogs for if not this eh? Dont answer that, Im fully aware, I read some goooood blogs.


Honesty Is Underrated.
This was a thought Id just had, due to a certain american teen drama- yet again- but it really is. You cannot underestimate an honest thought or feeling from someone, anyone. A miliseconds glance into someones mind, really...
Oh for goodness sake. TV shouldnt make me cry this frequently!
And I wish I didnt find myself sympathising with the bad guy every time as well.

And this;
'Youre so sweet promising to type me dirty things with your thumbs'
made me laughhh.

Im trying to think of something worth writing about, but nothing eventful interesting or mindbending has happened, surprisingly enough. So I guess Ill think of something mundane and
regular...

So Im going on holiday in two days, and Im really really really nervous. I havent been abroad in three years and the thought of being that distant and unreachable terrifies me. I know I dont need to be reachable to other people, but for me, fear of the unknown in general is a big big issue. Theres just a few people, I know they dont tell me everything anyway, not many people tell people everything, but what if its 2am, someone just needs or wants someone to talk to, and for some freak reason, no one else is around? Even if Im not the right person, I need to be there, just in case. I dont know why. Ahhhh I dont want to think about this anymore. Maybe its just one big overreaction, maybe its really not, I guess I wont know till I get off the plane a week later.
Im thinking maybe therell be an internet cafe or something... Thats a lie, there really wont be.
This is also my first abroad location with a half family. Ill be boarding a plane with my sister, dad and his girlfriend. It probably wont be as weird as Im imagining it right now. Big deal huh? Melodramatic? Neverrr.
You know what, its in a really beautiful place, and I probably need a week away from this country anyway, its just the people here Ill be wigging out over. In the emotional sense, not the enthusiastic one... apparently Turks are pervs... But Im not one for generalising (ahem) so Im going to reserve judgement.
I should stop being so ungrateful about this holiday, seeing as my Dads spent a heck of a lot of money to keep the promise of it. I am excited about it, it will be great. It would be helpful if I could just stay in contact a little bit. Maybe my phone will work out there...


Ohhhh not graduation!
'We Owe Something To The World'
Thats true, that is.
Which is why its annoying how many of the opportunities Ive wasted being fortunate enough to have them. Stop being so pathetic dammit!

Right. Well.

This was a reaaalllyy weird post, and Im sorry if anyone landed in circumstances unfortunate enough to read it, Im going to go and have a Well Good Day, now that Ive dumped this baggage, and I hope you do toooo.