Suspended like spirits over speeding cars

Thats stunning.

I am in the weirdest place right now. And Im hoping right now that writing this will release it all from my head and onto a page and somehow help this. Because Im no good to myself feeling this way.

So there was this big mess, all got a bit over the top, everyone ended up dragged in, and as it turns out, it could have been solved by a simple exchange. Im glad thats over, but its kind of not. Because it affected me... a ridiculous amount, which is unfair because it wasnt about me and my attention should have been on everyone else, and it was, but still it felt like something was happening to me, something was changing in me and I hated it. The way I feel and the way I act or react, my attitudes to people and situations have changes now, and thats irriversable.

However, there isnt any time to dwell on that because, such is life, something was thrown into the mix of things today that I couldnt have predicted. Maybe because I didnt dare think it was possible for anything else this awful could be put on one person. Because I didnt believe that life could be cruel enough to drop another weight on this one persons shoulders. I dont know where she gets the strength that shes shown from, but its grown every day Ive known her, and Im fucking sick of her being knocked back down.

There are too many people right now that I cant help. I feel really rubbish because I cant get inside anyones heads and I hate that because I know that this is affecting people and ahhhh. I dont know.

Yet at the same time, half the day Ive found myself feeling genuinely happy and just laughing and forgetting. I genuinely feel like Im going slightly insane, but Im just enjoying the happier moments because this is the last year in school, Im seventeen years old, I have fantastic people around me and Im trying not to waste my time on helplessness while I can help it...

Im Sick And Tired Of Worry, And Youve Got Me Worried Sick.

Please, give us fucking strength.
I only come to you when Im in the most desperate places and Im asking you to fix these things that I cant by myself. I wish I could say this was the last time but Im never daring to think that again. And you know what, I never thought Id be praying for this one persons strength.
And I want to be the person who has that dedication committment all the time because I know thats who I need to be to believe in this...


So it seems all it takes is one night. A night which generally, for me, went better than a lot of others. But one single event getting out of control and triggering this domino effect... it changed everything.

Once more everythings built up, theres this huge pile of issues, I cant see to the top so its like Im scrabbling aimlessly clinging to everything I can, and yet, I cant be enough. I never will be enough to resolve this. And I am too weak to be your cure.

I wish that I wasnt lying awake thinking about the people that literally keep my world turning. Not because then I wouldnt have to deal with it, but because I dont want there to be anything to worry about. I want the knowledge that those people are okay- really alright, and honestly, I dont think any of them are right now. This is fucking killing me.

If anyone reads this. Im so so sorry to sound this self absorbed, honestly. Im just lost as to what else to say and do now. I think I might go and pound my head into a brick wall, or is that what weve all been doing for the last week anyway?


This was supposed to perfect.
Fucking great beginning of the end.