Im still afraid of being alone, Im scared of the dark for goodness' sake. Yeah theres still people I depend on probably too much... but in general, maybe Im becoming more cynical, more pessimistic, but to be honest it just feels like Im being real.
Its not a bad thing, Im not scared of it. But the weird part is that probably a matter of months ago I was dependent beyond anything else I could feel... on so much more than a few people. And now Im worried Im becoming to detached. I have so many great people in my life, and yet Ive resigned to the fact that I wont see a lot of them for a long time after this year is over, some ever.
That should upset me more. Because I know when the time comes Ill be tears and sweat and violence... but I just want this year to be over, because truly, Ive outgrown it.
This place doesnt suit me anymore. Thats a lie, it never did. But I wouldnt have gone any other way for anything.
I suppose I have faith in the people that mean something real... the fact that I will do something and I will keep them in my life in one way or another. Thats probably why it isnt to too scary. Well, Im starting to feel like an adult, and thats gotta be good. Because before thats terrified me.
You might notice the crafty non-mentioning (if you know me well enough) of all the shit thats happening at the moment. But Im going to take the lead of someone else, because I dont want to talk about it, and most importantly, I dont know how to make sense of it right now. I dont have faith that it will fix itself, thats something Im not doing well with. Im just letting what happens happen because... Im not the person whos going to change things. Not now.
So I actually am finished for now.
