Every Post You Can Hitch Your Faith On...

... A Tool We Devise To Make Sinking Stones Fly.




Well, I thought Id lost this... Strength is not my strong point.

Anyway, I know, too much blogging, Ill try and stop seeing as theyre of so little substance that I may as well just be sitting here staring out the window for the next 20 minutes instead. But I have been doing that for some time anyway so what the heck.
The reason Im writing too much... I think... is probably because Im full of feeling and confusion and pressure at the moment so I feel I need to vent it all some how. But I dont want to talk about the stupid insignificant shit thats in my head, I cannot write anything else, music, lyrics... this seems to be it. And its not like Im upholding a standard, is it?


Well I just got interrupted by my phones ridiculous ringtone, but, nicely enough, it reminded me to just shut up, really. Just calm down, stop stressing and carrying this stupid weight because, even if for a little while- and I know me, it will be- things should be put in perspective. Life is easy, life is fun, Im tired of doubting that every other minute of the day.
Ive realised recently that things changing, people not being as close physically (you know what I mean, right?) does inevitably lead to every other kind of distance too, in terms of friendships anyway. When theres not that driving force to call someone every day, when they dont have a defined status or whatever in your mind, maybe you forget for a while, then it gets a longer while, then it becomes like you barely know them. Not every time, just... seemingly most times. I might just not be determined enough.
But with that realisation Im seeing that I have less than a year left with the people that I see practically every day, and before that contact is frayed and/or severed, I want to make the most of things. Because I do have some pretty great people in my life right now.

You know what really pisses me off? Retrospect (I realise Im now addressing my blog as a human, but he appreciates it- Im Not Going Insane).
...the fact that now, I can look back at 2 years ago and think, 'fuck, it was so simple. And I wasted my time acting like life was impossible', yet at the time, I couldnt see past it. And in a few years time, I will do the same for everything Im feeling right now.
Well, most of it, some things just never get any less embedded in your heart, I think.
I really wish I could just switch off more. I dont want to have to feel completely satisfied with every little thing before I dont have to force a smile.
Sos I guess fear of the unknown is a hell of a lot worse than fear of the known, but maybe both can bring you to your knees at the worst of times (again, Im hoping I phased that how I thought it)


Hopefully I wont be back here for a bit.

Cigarettes And Lies, Im A Child, Its Too Soon

Go on, this is the bit where you disappear, remember?

Recently Ive been thinking about my age... and I suddenly realised - while slumped in the back seat of this packed up car, pretty much containing the life of my sister, the one she takes away with her- that I was practically an adult. Now, this doesnt really scare me as much as it used to, but Ive truly lost track of time, and I cant remember when it stopped being okay to just do things for no reason, just, you know, be. It never felt very carefree, because I guess at any given time the things that mean the most to you could mean nothing years or even days later. But now, looking back at the problems I thought I had, and the things that happen now... Its kind of insane. And what terrifies me the most is that Ive wasted so much of that time when I should have been clinging to every damn moment, and Ill never get it back again. See now Im getting over-emotional because nothing scares me more than time itself, really. And I hate how much I take everything for granted.

You know, I wish people could be less complex. Easier to understand with a mind like mine, because I never, ever understand whats going on in peoples heads, and Im never, ever able to heal other peoples wounds. Thats who I want to be. Im not the person who gets the truth out of people, helps people, Im not the person that you want to know, who you lean on, and it kills me that I dont know how to be. Because, and you would never guess this if you did know me, I do really try.
Mann reading that back is making me cringe right now, so Im gonna stop talking about it.

I dont want to keep isolating myself. But I dont deserve better than that, really.



Oh My God Why Am I Such A Moaning Cow?! This Is Insane.

I had a really great evening last night. It was simple, yet effective, in essence. Nights like that dont make you forget everything, but it puts it all in perspective. Whove youve got around you, how lucky you are in general. Why Everything Is Worth It, Despite What You Feel.

Oh, perfect, another crisis.