... A Tool We Devise To Make Sinking Stones Fly.
Well, I thought Id lost this... Strength is not my strong point.
Anyway, I know, too much blogging, Ill try and stop seeing as theyre of so little substance that I may as well just be sitting here staring out the window for the next 20 minutes instead. But I have been doing that for some time anyway so what the heck.
The reason Im writing too much... I think... is probably because Im full of feeling and confusion and pressure at the moment so I feel I need to vent it all some how. But I dont want to talk about the stupid insignificant shit thats in my head, I cannot write anything else, music, lyrics... this seems to be it. And its not like Im upholding a standard, is it?
Well I just got interrupted by my phones ridiculous ringtone, but, nicely enough, it reminded me to just shut up, really. Just calm down, stop stressing and carrying this stupid weight because, even if for a little while- and I know me, it will be- things should be put in perspective. Life is easy, life is fun, Im tired of doubting that every other minute of the day.
Ive realised recently that things changing, people not being as close physically (you know what I mean, right?) does inevitably lead to every other kind of distance too, in terms of friendships anyway. When theres not that driving force to call someone every day, when they dont have a defined status or whatever in your mind, maybe you forget for a while, then it gets a longer while, then it becomes like you barely know them. Not every time, just... seemingly most times. I might just not be determined enough.
But with that realisation Im seeing that I have less than a year left with the people that I see practically every day, and before that contact is frayed and/or severed, I want to make the most of things. Because I do have some pretty great people in my life right now.
You know what really pisses me off? Retrospect (I realise Im now addressing my blog as a human, but he appreciates it- Im Not Going Insane).
...the fact that now, I can look back at 2 years ago and think, 'fuck, it was so simple. And I wasted my time acting like life was impossible', yet at the time, I couldnt see past it. And in a few years time, I will do the same for everything Im feeling right now.
Well, most of it, some things just never get any less embedded in your heart, I think.
I really wish I could just switch off more. I dont want to have to feel completely satisfied with every little thing before I dont have to force a smile.
Sos I guess fear of the unknown is a hell of a lot worse than fear of the known, but maybe both can bring you to your knees at the worst of times (again, Im hoping I phased that how I thought it)
Hopefully I wont be back here for a bit.
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i think maybe part of living in the moment, enjoying and appreciating the now is also feeling the pain.
ReplyDeletejust because its hard to see past the little problems there are doesn't mean your not aware of what you've got, and feeling shitty or alone or weighed down or confused or anything, all of that its part of experiencing the now.
if what you want is to make the most of your teenage year, our last year of being 17, at school, with our friends then cherish the drama along with the good bits, 'life' , this time, isnt supposed to be just the happy and the exciting times.
we all have a tendancy to gloss over and goldenise the past , that future self who is going to look back, reminisce and miss, is lovely but not quite real. because the golden ages we look back on, and this one we will look back on arent all golden. they're hard, and painful and full of ups and downs. and thats okay. theyre still good.
maybe if you stop thinking about trying to appreciate the moment so much you'll realise, you already do.