it's okay. it's okay.
I think probably to get through most things you need a firm belief that things will fall into place, where they haven't already. I'm trying to make that shit happen EDIT* I sort of am. sort of. it's not even a big deal. most people probably wouldn't give a shit. I don't know why it's playing on my mind so much.
the thought of getting out... it's awakened this ridiculous, unjustifiable, fairly inexplicable resentment. I kind of want this. I want to live in the city, I want to be enveloped in this dirty noise, colourful mess. I don't want to be here anymore, in the quiet. sat here waiting for something to happen, for someone to be here just... because. I like to think if you're lonely in a london you can just step out onto the streets and however much people stare at the pavement, cast you a glare or push past you even though they're rushing to nothing... well I like to think you can feel the energy, all the life in this one place and it makes you feel less alone. I don't care how wrong I am.
I have this dreamy idea of zipping round london town, all the pulse-pumping, breezy excitement. coffee on the high street, bike rides in the park, trains home, unease and comfort, strangers and friends. galleries and shopping and photographs. I've never been good at adjustment. not when it's not entirely on my terms. but you can't ignore the upside when you're given this kind of opportunity.
in the same breath though... it's kind of terrifying. you don't just meet people when you've no one to meet them through and you're not at school or something. furthermore I don't want anyone else really, not for friends. I don't want some shitty replacement attempt. I just... I don't want to be forgotten. everything changes no matter what you think or what you say or what you do.
oh shut the fuck up. tears are such a waste.
