Oh Girl, Sail Her Dont Sink Her (this is not readable)

Oh no. It's post overload, and they're of so little substance that it's utterly insane.
However, this one is worth committing to memory.

So upon discussing the matter of festival tents (because we can do that now, because we're fucking going to Reading), a friend of mine mentionned indoor tents, which prompted a fairly unconsenting trip down memory lane (it's late, I'm too tired for nostalgia). I always think of my early memories as scarce, scattered and often irrelevant (I remember my dog-when he was slightly more kinetic- eating a plate of fairy cakes from our kitchen work top, the plate was made of yellow plastic and my dog was standing on his hind legs, consuming every single one in an instant, I remember the plate spinning and falling. How very low-rent-Jon-McGregor of me). Anyways I think of them like that until something casually triggers off the recollection of one of these scenes, the revisiting of every sense and thought process. So this one specifically was the DIY tents me and my brother and sister use to make in my house, and the night in particular, christ knows what day, what year, presumably I was somewhere between 5 and 10... this one night it was just me and my brother, we'd fashioned the usual tent out of chairs and clothes pegs and bedsheets. I was prepared, full battery gameboy ([; old skool), probably a walkman and that OPM tape I found lying around recently in some box. In any case I think we were just talking, I have no idea what about, probably nothing meaningful or memorable, but I remember looking over at the clock to see 3am pass by and feeling so extremely hardcore. I love that that picture would mean nothing to anyone else but it feels really, really valuable to me right now. Just a moment I can remember put aside from the blurs of emotion and confusion which I shouldn't remember, which simply captures my favourite things about childhood, because I had a seriously ace one, all in all.

Earlier today I was thinking about injuries as well, one of my relatives staying over here from Australia got a blood clot and she can't fly home, which is really shit, but apparently it's not too serious and if nothing else it got me thinking. I complain about my ailments a lot. I'm a classic hyperchondriac and sometimes, specifically if I'm feeling a little awkward, I'm a moaner. But with injuries come stories, and I contemplated one of my favourite things to do- which I'll have to remember next time there's an uncomfortable silence- and that's explore the anecdotes behind the silly little aches and pains that trouble us from time to time. I realised there's actually a pretty cool one behind most of my recurring and occaisional twinges. There's the torn ligament in my ankle, which I did for the first time bouncing around on the trampoline at Jen's house (my foot swelled up so big it wouldn't fit in a shoe, I was going to Alton Towers the next day), second time getting halloween treats from Lidl... There's a severely bruised/slightly protuberant knee bone on the right which I recieved when navigating the biggest circle pit I've seen in my life; Anti-Flag, GIAN '08, worth it. The arm I cut open on a rock... I'ma say in Cornwall, on the beach where I also found a delightful dead fish. The scars on my hands from 1) testing the sharpness of a knife Louise was carrying around in her bra. I saw my own vein. That incident was not normal OR cool, 2) attempting to cut Louise a heart shaped piece of wood in the tech room and getting my finger instead- she seems to cause injury, 3) trying to make myself a guitar pick necklace, because I was too impatient/tight to buy one, and narrowly avoiding stitches in my thumb... The scar caused by my nail under my chin from our own brand of dodgeball at my primary school (this essentially involved a lineup of people against the wall/fence, and someone kicking a ball at us with some force).
And you know what ELSE is ace? Music and memories. I wrote a song recently (because I overcame the mental block, not that it isn't still excessively hard to do so) which was sort of... all over the place, but in a way inspired by the day I spent at Dungeness [; my new favourite place. The lyrics weren't about that itself, yet somehow, when I play it or listen to it back, I can feel exactly the way I felt standing on that beach. And I really love how music can preserve things that way.

And christ, nostalgia seems to be a running theme this week. I swear it was a matter of days ago when I was telling myself to make this year the best, and somehow it's almost gone. I take it back, I don't want adulthood, thank you. I'm being forced into this whirlwind and all I can see is a few set-in-stone, unchangeable/maybe minor events, the rest of it is hopes and maybes and unknown possibilities and surprises. I know it's supposed to be like that but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. It's times like these when you can cry over the future and the imminent departure of most of your best friends/perhaps intense and scary committments you'll now share with the rest of them, orrrr use the seeming sense of 'limbo' to pay a series of visits to the past, and cry over that, for whatever reason. Or both, clearly.


This is actual madness. Genuine apologies if you bothered reading this far, there's no way it can have been worth it. It ain't my fault though; 'Remember, posting is good', point made.

Don't Be So Hard On Yourself

...The Way That We Play, Has Such Confrontation, And Guilt By Association...

After a fairly lengthy discussion today, designed to make each of us feel better about ourselves, I thought a lot about... that. Body image, self-esteem and whatnot. Its just really tragic that you can be walking down the street and whole bunch of the people you see are riddled with all these hang-ups that, most of the time, are unjustified. But you know what it doesnt even matter whats true, because no one deserves to feel like theyre worth less (as in not worth quite as much) because of the shape of their nose, or the look of their ribs, or the size of their eyes.
This also got me thinking, when/does that ever change? Do you just gradually care less? Because I always visualised me fixing everything I hate about myself, not gradually getting more comfortable with it all... Having said that, I dont believe some of the things people say have genuine belief behind them, some things are just so unfounded, and it almost seems as if its turned into this competition. Anywho, I shant be often thinking about such things in this amount of depth because it bums me out, in about a billion ways and contexts.

In other news, Im bored. And I love how hypocritical saying that is because I complain quite aggressively about people informing me of their boredom, and now Im sharing it with anyone who cares to read/accidentally (foolishly) stumbles across this blog. In any case, I mean it in the larger sense, I am quite sick of how repetitive life has become. The best summer to date should break the cycle, but I swear to God, if I dont get a job immediately and end up spending it alone, hell will be raised. This is a goal. This is healthy [=

And now, for this I blame Christopher, because he always puts everything in context somehow... now begins the contemplation of the last two years... how in the HELL has it come and gone like this? I know everyone says time flies but the last two years have gone faster than I could have possibly been prepared for. Theyve probably been the best of my life, mainly because I really feel like, for the most part, Ive been... kind of in control, and Ive had the right people around. Though its kind of tainted by the fact that I feel exactly the same as I did when we started... I havent matured, I havent been made over, I havent fallen in/out love, I havent lost anyone or anything significant and I want exactly the same things. That last part I wouldnt change. In fact I dont really mind about any of it, it could be a whole lot worse. I hope not to jinx this, but it looks like were ending this 'year' on a pretty high note.

PS: The weathers bloody beautiful.

No Hope, No Harm, Just Another False Alarm.

/Catch The Last Weekend, Of The Last Week, Before The Gold And The Glimmer Have Been Replaced
(^; insert obligatory, phrase or two about the end of an era approaching here, Im too lazy and inept to effectively articulate it myself, but Im definitely feeling that. A lot. If I write about it Ill get nostalgic and scared and cry, ergo, I am writing about a different topic ce soir)

After the number of drafts (somewhere in the thousands) and pointless accctual posts, I thought Id do a more point... full... one, though I may be somewhat limited in time as the epic failure of my own laptop means I have to borrow the fathers... (edit; I was not)
Fuck I have nothing to say.
Currently I just want to turn 18. I have about 3 weeks now, till I can get my tattoo/s, leggaaalllly purchase alcohol and the dreaded cigarettes, and can... yknow go to clubs and stuff. Though I doubt Ill be utilising that last right so much as the others, excluding face down which just looks ace.
(I just deleted a chunk of this, essentially, I need to attempt some self-reinvention; less paranoia, obsession and social retardation)
One of the quotes I cited before was something along the lines of 'Life is like playing the violin in public, and learning the instrument as you go along', and I think theres so much truth to that. So I spose Im hoping as time goes on Ill have a much stronger sense of self/what it is I want, and Ill be less afraid and overly concerned about certain things... I have a feeling the next year will have a lot to do with that, and right now I have no certain ideas of what Im going to do and where Im going to go, and thats ignited this little spark inside of me which is giving me so much excitement, and probably making the transition a little more painless.
In other news, once again Im plagued by my inability to help people. I dont like that some people dont seem happy and I havent the slightest clue how to fix that. Even a bit. This exists to the extent where Ill avoid talking to people because I just dont know what to say. Though a few people seem to be doing, for the most part, really well, which makes me so very grinnish. This is obviously a synonym for happy now.

This was quite rubbish. But Id really like replies in regard to self-reinvention pliz! (i.e. how exactly do you do that?)