..And if you can't feel
It's selfish to use up all of the bandages.
/And do you think of me, you might, wherever you are.
(because I couldn't choose)
Considering at times, I find this the most relaxing thing to do, the fact that I'm doing a lot of stuff at the moment has resulted in any spare second being taken up by this, songwriting and sleep. I felt I should not justify it but at least offer an explanation.
Today, possibly prompted by somebody elses mention of our past lives 'n that (one day I'll start coming up with my own ideas), perhaps just because of the general atmosphere of conquest and closure, I decided to take a spontaneous trip down memory lane (a physical one, though).
Perhaps, perhapsss I should have considered the fact that I was running on under 1/4 of a tank of petrol, and assessed the high likelihood of me ending up in unfamiliar territory about 25 minutes from my home, and in turn predicted the panic which ensued. It was all good in the end though. So I got to see the nursery I went to (it looked impossibly tiny), the church I spent every year playing an angel in the school nativity at (I never ever got to be Gabriel, but one time I did get a recorder solo, one of those huge recorders; double jointed fingers served me well), the green I'd played hide and seek in when the grass was tall, my primary school... all in the space of about 3 minutes of eachother. I'd never driven down the actual road my school was on, obviously, and that felt super strange. Needless to say it resulted in a somewhat emotional 'knee-jerk response', and I can safely say it is not a good idea to drive when you're in that state, something to bear in mind. In any case I couldn't then drive past Willow Lea without visiting my old house. I spent 8 years living in that road, and it just occurred to me that I've resided in this one for longer, a decade in fact- insane. I still knew the roads like the back of my hand, but again they really did seem geniunely smaller. Those streets used to be massive.
It was nice not to feel this irresolvable longing for the past, because the twinge of sadness was just for the last ten years, and how they disappeared without warning. It's just awkward revisiting old places and not considering that time as a distant part of the present, but like... childhood being separate, being over, if that makes any sense? It was comforting though to actually feel like an adult. I'm making decisions, I'm facing problems, and I don't really feel that kiddish incompetance and fear that I did before, maybe just a generous amount of caution and self-awareness. Oh, but don't forget the paranoia, gotta love the paranoia.
Gosh, time flies.
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