And For Every Time You Fed Me The Line, "You Mean So Much To Me..."

This ones just a time killer.
And its the most slow and painful death time has ever recieved. Maybe.
(Admit you wouldnt notice if I faded away)
Wow I really dont have anything to say right here.
Today was good, I went into photographical mode, otherwise known as make-believe mode. I can lose myself in it a bit. Its the closest thing Ive felt to a passion other than music but, lets be honest here it pales in comparison. You write a song and its all yours, each word is one everybody knows but theyve never been put in that exact same order for three full minutes, the tunes your own and the sounds is indespensible, unique. It flows and it turns and it progresses and its yours, no matter how technically perfect it is, no matter how eloquent you sound, maybe it doesnt even matter when its for your ears only.
You take a picture of an item, anything, and no matter what the angle, lighting, colour, editing, someone else could have the exact same one, now a million miles away. And asides from that, it just doesnt feel the same. You dont get that rush, pressure, perfectionism, satisfaction... I hope that doesnt sound creepy? You know, in a way...
But its kind of... I take these hundreds upon hundreds of pictures, all nothing special, all imperfect and meaningless, but they build up this whole world, it makes mine seem a lot more beautiful than it is. Its like Im building my own memories and perceptions, so ideal and so unreal its just... cheap, I guess, lies. Its almost turning the natural into the unnatural, or the farthest thing from natural possible without a literal transformation.
Weird...
(Simply a spark slowly burning to silence)
Im feeling... figuratively- brittle at the moment. Like the tiniest bit of pressure, the right choice of words and Ill just snap, let rip at an unworthy opponent. Maybe thats a warning, for anyone lucky enough to stumble across this. Truth be told Im sick of being told what to do. How I should act, what I should want, who I should see, Im really done caring. Im done with guilt. Well unreasonable guilt, cause theres plenty of reasoned guilt all the time anyway.
(Sorry for the sorrow, and the way I treat the truth)
I should probably go do something more productive and less annoying.
I promise; Im really not worth the bother this evening.

Sad Sad Sight Before The So So Eyes And They're Heavy For The Weakest Of Minds.

Times are changing, and you think youll forget but you cant.
Im still in a very strange place (if I posted that on here, if not- Im in a strange place)
Somewhat suspended... sort of gliding around never quite sure where I am, what Im doing or how Im feeling.
I find that reminding myself how damn lucky I am works as a convenient device serving the purpose of limiting my self-absorption... Im trying? Ahhh its all so cliché.

So now that Im here, stopped to think about it all finall, Im doing pretty well for myself right now. Im giving up on the entire male race in more ways than one (not in terms of considering a sexual orientation rethink), but its cool cause if I dont think about all the mess buried underneath and between people and just... be, then Im really happy with the people I have right now. And Im not about to take that for granted. Asides from that, I cant help but feel kind of lonely, and it seems not to be something changeable. It actually feels kind of awful, and I have no idea where it came from but I hate it. I really hate it. I might be alienating myself as some kind of defense mechanism because Im sick of missing people, but who knows really? As long as Im not shutting myself in a dark room every night, Im satisfied. You know, ish.
Im working on getting past something else right now, and it really is more difficult than I could have possibly imagined, but I think this kind of needed to happen, teach me somewhat of a lesson.

Futures... Interestingg... Constantly fighting for justification of what I want to do, and now that Ive just written that it seems almost unfair. The thing is, my minds made up as for what Im doing, kind of feeling as if it wasnt a choice I had to make anyway... but theres this (fairly) simple one thing I could do that could potentially make just a few people so much more satisfied / proud / whatever... I just cant do it. I wont.
As someone whose managed to disappoint constantly for 17 years solid, and now has an opportunity to break the trend, maybe Im being blatantly selfish here but... Im sick of it. And I am sorry but my heart and my mind arent in it, and I just cant lie. Not with this.
The worst thing is, theyd never ever say that Ive let them down. Theyre just hoping for me to be sensible and live by the rules of everyone else so that I have this stability, and happiness somehow comes with it. But they wont emotionally blackmail me. Well, when you let me make my own choices, this is what happens, sorry.

Its whats right for me and its quite literally all I have.




This was a weird and stupid idea.