Sad Sad Sight Before The So So Eyes And They're Heavy For The Weakest Of Minds.

Times are changing, and you think youll forget but you cant.
Im still in a very strange place (if I posted that on here, if not- Im in a strange place)
Somewhat suspended... sort of gliding around never quite sure where I am, what Im doing or how Im feeling.
I find that reminding myself how damn lucky I am works as a convenient device serving the purpose of limiting my self-absorption... Im trying? Ahhh its all so cliché.

So now that Im here, stopped to think about it all finall, Im doing pretty well for myself right now. Im giving up on the entire male race in more ways than one (not in terms of considering a sexual orientation rethink), but its cool cause if I dont think about all the mess buried underneath and between people and just... be, then Im really happy with the people I have right now. And Im not about to take that for granted. Asides from that, I cant help but feel kind of lonely, and it seems not to be something changeable. It actually feels kind of awful, and I have no idea where it came from but I hate it. I really hate it. I might be alienating myself as some kind of defense mechanism because Im sick of missing people, but who knows really? As long as Im not shutting myself in a dark room every night, Im satisfied. You know, ish.
Im working on getting past something else right now, and it really is more difficult than I could have possibly imagined, but I think this kind of needed to happen, teach me somewhat of a lesson.

Futures... Interestingg... Constantly fighting for justification of what I want to do, and now that Ive just written that it seems almost unfair. The thing is, my minds made up as for what Im doing, kind of feeling as if it wasnt a choice I had to make anyway... but theres this (fairly) simple one thing I could do that could potentially make just a few people so much more satisfied / proud / whatever... I just cant do it. I wont.
As someone whose managed to disappoint constantly for 17 years solid, and now has an opportunity to break the trend, maybe Im being blatantly selfish here but... Im sick of it. And I am sorry but my heart and my mind arent in it, and I just cant lie. Not with this.
The worst thing is, theyd never ever say that Ive let them down. Theyre just hoping for me to be sensible and live by the rules of everyone else so that I have this stability, and happiness somehow comes with it. But they wont emotionally blackmail me. Well, when you let me make my own choices, this is what happens, sorry.

Its whats right for me and its quite literally all I have.




This was a weird and stupid idea.