until we disconnect

it's all becoming clear. I was subconsciously refusing to write anything sad, evidently forcing myself to write parts with a nice strong beat underneath, in ridiculous majors, with meaningless void lyrics and unimaginative melodies.

and all I needed to do was write a crier.

I'd better be opening a gate right now. I'd better be getting some fucking ideas, fast. because I'm bored of not finishing anything ever.

the cumulative hours I've spent on a part for holden are stacking up rapidly. I have a practise perfect new 3rd verse part, which took forever to get down because it's tricker than the usual. in any case, despite it's repetitive nature I quite like it. this is very rare. I'm also about 85% sure it does not fit with the verse. sods law.
I mean it fits with my old part, obviously I tested that, the timing and the key is fine and everything... but it's totally not going to work with the other instruments. I'm rage. this is one of the hardest things I've found, trying to write a variation of a part. like... practically finishing a song and then making an addition/alteration. because in my mind when you're at that point the song seems somehow like a complete product, even if it isn't, so it's really difficult to go back into the mindset of writing that specific thing. I can't write sensically.

in other news, as I've mentioned in many a place, I got paid today. after the midpoint between paydays, it just begins to slowly kill you... so now, I have to touch as little of that as possible, which is fine because it's going toward the best investment I'll have made in my life. but that just means I can relax a bit, not worry about affording to get to work for a whilee. however, I did allow myself a small luxury, in the shape of ebay purchases. I'm incredibly excited to recieve an owl necklace (WITH A CLOCK IN IT), franny and zooey which, for some reason I have not yet read, in celebration of salinger's memory aaand a nose ring, which apparently won't kill me. I had a dream I bought an amp. that's an unattainable dream.

now, someone had better respond positively to one of these night job applications or there may be questions raised about my plan to sleep on the streets of foreign countries and not eat for 6 weeks. cool.