lying awake at night.

I'm in one of those terrible moods where I permanently just want to throw shit. Everyone and everything is getting on my nerves and I feel lonely and stupid and forced and ignored. There is no way for anyone to make it better because it's all a complete paradox and I'm pissing myself off at this point.

I'm thinking about taking a break. seeing as I'm working with very little hours, and shit all is going on here anyway, I might see if I can go borrow my grandparents caravan for a few days. It's by the sea and I could read and write and be by myself and figure out what the hell is going on and what I want and what I need.

I hate that one day I could be writing about how happy I am, that I can look at somebody I was going mental over for so long, and feel nothing anymore, and yet now my heads all tangled up and jealous again. If you're going to do the whole never-in-a-relationship thing, why can't you not feel anything, too? (this isn't the reason for it. I'm not one of those idiots who can't have exactly what I want so I cry about it all day. actually, of course I am, but not in this sense specifically)

I think maybe it feels like I'm on the outside and that gets to me, but during those times when I feel the opposite of that, it stresses me out nearly as much.

I'm also not making any sense, in case you haven't noticed.

I think I'm ready to have some cigarettes and alcohol now.

EDIT; this is not a desperate plea for attention. that is probably in fact the exact opposite to what I want. I just want to make sense and I want things to happen and somebody to get it and not to feel awkward but just be able to sit with someone and cry and not be thinking about the awkward silences or what they're thinking but just have them be okay with me. I want to write things down without... I don't know.

Fucking hell.