found people to love, left people to drown

I guess, no matter how I pretend otherwise, I'm still stuck in that limbo-esque state... hate to say it, but Britney hit the nail on the head with "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman".

I feel like I really appreciate and enjoy responsibility, when it's on my terms, when I can handle it. Not in every sense. I'm enjoying new challenges, even when they're really testing, but once I'm not getting anything out of something I have this exigent desire to bail. I am forcing myself to (wo)man up and make decisions, form some kind of plan in the long term, put the short term plans into action, because I'm not just going to let everything... life, just fizzle out into nothing. I'm not going to lose every trace of momentum and let years and years stack up just like this, achieving nothing. I don't want to be that person, that person who settles, ever.

I think we can all agree I went off on a slightly extreme tangent there, forget it ever happened and breeze past it.

So I guess some of those things make me feel like a bit more of an adult. I'm discarding a few of my more childlike habits and approaches, and it's less of a conscious effort... though I'm 90% sure the way I'm writing makes it appear otherwise.

At the time time though, I sort of feel like I'm being pulled back into familiar routines.

Friendships aren't what they were, they aren't what I thought they'd be and they aren't what they were.

Most people have drifted, through no one's fault really, you can't expect to be in regular face-to-face contact with people with the amount of factors getting in the way. The thing is with most people I feel the same closeness and like... appreciation for them that I always did, we see each other less, but I just want to keep whatever it is that we have because they make me feel all giggly and alive.

But with a few people, inexplicably, whatever friendship we have is just fizzling out. It's definitely not something I can blame on them... I just feel like we're drifting real far and they have to change because they're going through a massive lifestyle change, and if I never ever see them, I'm not going to know them soon because I won't be there while it's happening. I want to know them, I want to be there for that because I like to think we're friends for a reason, and I think they're great people... but I also don't want feel like I'm breaking backs to try and see them. I have a feeling it shouldn't be an effort to stay in contact. That really fucking sucks, if that's just it.

You know what, I have a lot in my head, I'll bet no one's reading at this point because I'm chatting shit, so I'm just going to vent a little bit. Really sorry if you actually have wasted your time reading this ;D

While I'm on topic though, I've got thinking about the kind of friendships I attract, the kind I create. I get feeling really low when people depend on me in the way that I hate, when I'm listening to somebody talk about things not going right when, let's face it, everyone has those problems at one stage or another. I get upset when I feel like I'm a dartboard for someone, not getting anything out of it and these people aren't getting better because they just wont.

I hate it, it makes me feel horrid and useless and it just says that I'm not worth being friends with because all I'm good for is... well, that.

And yet somehow, these are the kinds of toxic relationships I'm drawn towards. I have an input into them and I make them this way. The people I most want to depend on me are the last ones to want to, and once I've tried to help somebody I give up on them and just hope that they'll realise it's something they need to do themselves.

I guess, I can't find the medium between being attempting to be someones verbal punch-bag, and completely abandoning them.

I don't really know how to show anyone that I care, it's not good enough.

(I guess this is why people don't let things just build up. This is the product of overthink-sion).